Diary of an Ex - Mean Girl
The whole mean girl concept was popularized by the famous movie…” Mean Girls” in the early 21st century which showed the unpopular, sweet, geeky girl as the victim being tortured by the seemly socially-superior, popular, mean girls who were the high school, puberty-stricken villains. Ever wondered what the story would look like if the protagonist was switched and the villains got to tell their side of the story? Well, *nervous laughter* here we go.
So, before I get to the juicy stuff, let me give you some background. Growing up I was a pretty sweet child. My parents always remind me to this day how loving and sensitive I was - an easy crier with a pure heart. Well, as any other sweet, loving child who was an easy crier…I got bullied at school, badly. VERY BADLY. Despite the fact that I’m 5’11 and decently sized enough to be considered intimidating now, this growth spurt did not intensify till the end of primary school. I spent most of it being a little shrimpy kid who was really, really skinny. Hence, a very easy target.
Despite genetics being stacked against me, I was never the type to take a lash sitting down. I fought, a lot, and got beat up…a lot. By the end of primary school, I was that girl that none of the other girls wanted to play with. I just wasn’t cool enough, my hair wasn’t long or curly enough to be included or have friends. Thankfully though, I got adopted by some of the boys in my class who became my defenders and always hyped me up when I had to fight. It was sweet, that, even when I lost pretty badly, they would always laugh at the other girl and act like I was the one who won. Sigh, got to love boys.
I said however, that this story would be about the villain, not the victim. So what changed? How did I go from being the victim to the perpetrator; the bullied to the bully?
Well, let’s start at the beginning of secondary school. When I made my first group of friends four to five forms ahead of me, and started becoming a bit…. rebellious. Even though I hardly got caught, and my friends always covered for me, my teachers started noticing notable differences in my attitude. One teacher interrupted class, stared at me blankly and said, “I’m watching you, you’re changing…a lot.” Of course, they were concerned about their star pupil who they knew was brilliant but had already been suspended from school for fighting. Eventually, this “attitude” of mine got so bad that when I went to New York for vacation at my aunt’s house, she got mad at me whilst we were washing dishes, so mad that she broke a plate in the sink. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” I remember tearing up when she said this, partially from shock, partially because I really did not know what on earth was wrong with me.
Over my teenage years, it only got worse. I become unemotional, unemphatic. The type of girl who would spread rumors just to ensure you got beaten up if she didn’t like you. The type of girl who embarrassed a boy who liked her so badly that he was found in the art room at lunch time with an ice pick stabbing himself. The type of girl who dated her boyfriend’s best friend for two years just to piss him off. The type of girl you quite frankly did not want to mess with. Yup, unfortunately, that was me. A me that I’m ashamed of, but nonetheless, it was me.
Not everyone knew I was a mean girl, but eventually it was just not very hard to see. I was angry, very angry. Eventually I grew manipulative, controlling, I was even mean to my friends. I felt lost, confused, uncomfortable in this time. Even after I built up enough of a reputation to be respected, that little girl inside me was still screaming; longing for love, acceptance, to finally belong. That little girl was very afraid. But why?
Through this entire period, hell was breaking loose in other areas of my life…literally and figuratively. I had to keep a lot of secrets that choked the life out of me.
So there I was, a scared little girl who never spoke about her abuse because “it wasn’t that big of a deal” and she should really “get over it”. And I did, my lips were shut but my entire body was screaming “PLEASE HELP ME”. Everyone missed it though, I was the villain after all; villains don’t need help, villains don’t get abused. I grew tired of screaming, and eventually shut up. I was existing, I may have even smiled from time to time, but on the inside, I already felt dead. To them it looked like “she’s finally settling down”, to me…it was surrender. I was done fighting, life already sucked the air out me. And I hated myself.
There came a time though when I came face to face with someone who brought me to my knees and breathed life back into me.
Someone who healed my wounds and put the shattered pieces of my heart back together. Someone who finally cared, who finally loved and accepted me, someone who replaced my fear with hope. That someone hung on a Cross for me, that someone became my everything. Yes, I’m talking about Jesus. And as sappy and cliché as this all sounds, it’s the truth.
JESUS SAVES. I know this because He literally saved me. He changed my heart, my mind, my walk, my talk, everything. My first experience of joy was when I encountered Christ. And to know, that everything I ever longed for could be found in Him made my joy overflow. Here’s the reason I take this “Jesus thing” so seriously. Here’s the reason I want to know Christ and make Him known.
HE’S REAL. If you don’t believe it just look at me now. Nowhere close to who I used to be, no longer shattered, confused and lost, no longer a mean girl…even if I’m still quite savage.
I’ve been very reluctant to be open enough to share these things…I honestly still am. But I’ve been learning to give myself grace everyday, just the way Christ does. I’ve been learning to love myself… just the way Christ does.
It took a lot of guts for me to tell my story. I’m still not proud of who I was, what I did (a lot of which I chose not to mention), or what I’ve been through. But I’ve always prided myself on honesty, so here it is…the only mildly censored truth.
Some can probably testify, others may be shooketh. But here’s my truth, my testimony. Whether you were bored or entertained, touched or unbothered…I hope you catch my bottom line. That Christ is able to make every broken heart whole, and every crooked part straight. He can save you, even if you’re the villain.
Nkese Charles [IVCF Member]
Check out her blog ---> https://queenizzyblog.wordpress.com/